Thumbs For Hire

Illegal tan jabs – you know, the steroids of the pole dancing world – have been proven to cause vomiting, high blood pressure, facial flushing and the Plague. Oh okay, so I made that last one up. But injections of the tanning agent ‘Melanotan’ (which sounds to me like a new kind of tampon) may cause an increase in AIDS and other infections, because all those shiny turd-coloured housewives are sharing needles, just like real junkies!

Despite the fact that medical experts have spent the last few years warning the oompa loompas of Britain that injections of Melanotan I and II will cluster bomb your immune system until your can barely stay breathing long enough to attach your new set of hair extension, people have carried of shooting up the Sunny D juice like it’s open day at the Playboy mansion.

And all of this makes me happy. Firstly, it means that Peter Stringfellow is going to die sooner. I don’t have it on first hand authority that the one-man-mulleted-sex-nightmare uses illegal tan injections. But judging from this photo, I think it’s fair to say that Sheffield’s most unpleasant export is no stranger to new tanning methods.

Secondly, all those girls at school who spent their lunchbreaks smoking Benson and Hedges in the toilets, wiping shit-coloured tan wipes over their acne-encrusted faces, and calling me a lesbian boffin, will soon be firmly encased in an iron lung or heaving their guts out over their new DFS leather suite.

As Shakespeare would say: hoisted by your own petard.