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Smells Like Teen Bullshit

So, according to a highly reputable and distinctly impartial English newspaper, Robert Pattinson is going to play Kurt Cobain in a new film.

Oh the horror! Oh the bitter cruelty! Oh the villainy! A famous young white man is chosen to play a famous young white man in a film about the life of famous young white man! This is just, like, spitting on Kurt’s fucking grave. That’s it! I’ve had it! If this horrific, terrible thing goes ahead then I am going to, like, just… you know.

Before musical history is ruined forever, let us cast a considered eye over some of the actors who should have got the role:

Danny DeVito

Get Shorty gets shot. Everybody’s favourite spherical Italian-American is an obvious choice for the Cobain role. He’s got the charisma, the humour and he loved ‘Scentless Apprentice”.

Elaine Paige

Hello? ‘Send In The Clowns’?  ‘Memory’? ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’? This woman was born to play a drug-fuelled guitar-playing depressive. I mean, ‘Aneurysm’ was probably written about Grizabella from Cats.

Thomas Turgoose

I mean let’s be honest. If Kurt Cobain had been English, he would have been from Grimsby. He probably would have learned to play guitar by plucking at the tiny, tiny rib cages of the pollock and hake he’d just filleted.

Thandie Newton

Newton’s really got the autobiographical experience to play Cobain – a degree in Anthropology, a childhood spent shoplifting in themalls of Penzance and a true understanding of genius. I mean, what is ‘Sliver’ if not a stripped-down melodic take on the comedy and tragedy of Norbit?

Matt LeBlanc

I bet you a dime to a dollar that between crippling bouts of depression and creative angst Kurt Cobain used to sit down with meatball sub, a foosball table and chuckle at the idea of owning a duck.

Will Smith

Under those tousled, greasy blonde locks, you just knew that Kurt was sporting a ruler-straight hairline. Also, I think we’ve all drawn comparison between the stripped down disaffection of ‘Lithium’ and Smith’s classic “Walk in shadow, move in silence/Guard against extra-terrestrial violence/But yo we ain’t on no government list/We straight don’t exist, no names and no fingerprints”. Men in black also wear plaid… sometimes.

Keanu Reeves

A genius of his craft, a true Stanislavskian, there is no character too intense, too complex, too human for Reeves to inhabit. And he’s probably got his own jeans and shirts and stuff too, so it would save the costume budget.

Kate Winslet

Take the boat of late 80s hair metal, the iceberg of anti-commerce grunge and whammo! You’ve got yourself a collosal Nirvana zeitgeist shipwreck, fronted by the heaving-bosomed, clipped voweled, hideous kinky Converse all-star that was Kurt Cobain.

Tom Hanks

Had he lived long enough to see it, Cobain would have, like, totally got My Big Fat Greek Wedding. And frankly, I can’t think of anyone better than the man who played a big light-up floor keyboard in Big and got really really good at ping pong in Forrest Gump, to play ‘Negative Creep’.

Morgan Freeman

What’s that? Freeman put ‘playing the front man of a seminal 90s Seattle grunge band’ on his Bucket List? Well kids, let’s make movie magic and make Morgans wish come true.

Nell Frizzell

One Comment

  1. Leah wrote:

    Nell, that was genius, just genius. I did a loud LOL at work at the Matt LeBlanc bit in particular.
    BRILLIANT.

    Thursday, April 15, 2010 at 10:07 am | Permalink

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