Also known as, why I shouldn’t be allowed to write for Valentine’s Day issues. Or, yes I know this is just a rip off of Glenda Slagg, thanks.
Like cheese in a can, ‘Shake It’ bacon salt, woefully weak beer and Sketchers shoes, dating is one of those American concepts that just doesn’t seem to translate to our British shores. Sarah Jessica Parker and her cosmetically deranged companions can bang on about dating all they like; it won’t help then get banged in Britain.
For us Brits, the concept of a date will never mean anything but getting so shitfaced that you nearly throw up a lung, sliding over to the nearest warm being and then giving them the bus fare home the morning after.
But, if it’s dating tips you want, then it’s dating tips you’re gonna get.
1. Get a boyfriend (or girlfriend)
I know what you’re thinking: “If I already had a boyfriend/girlfriend then I wouldn’t need to date! I’m so lonely! Why are you mocking me… blah blah blah.” Well, you’re wrong. Think how many people you know who cheat. Think how many marriages end because of cheating. Think how many websites there are specifically designed to help attached people cheat. It’s basically a national sport.
So, if my logic doesn’t fail me – and I don’t know why it would start now – the easiest way to get offered sex is to be already having sex with someone else. Bingo.
2. Join a gym
No, no, no. Not to get fit, you idiots. You’ve been reading too many weight loss testimonials. The truth is that a little bit of extra jelly never put any one off the offer of a good hearty roll in the hay. The reason you need to go to the gym is so you can find people with a high pain threshold.
To whit: if someone at the gym is willing to have sex with you, after they’ve seen your sweaty, pink, gasping exercise face, then you can be pretty sure that they’ve got the stomach to survive your bedroom face.
3. Sleep with your friends
It’s just a lot easier that way. Sure, it might get awkward eventually. Especially if you live in a hamlet. But, on the other hand, they may just be the love of your life.
Belle du John
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