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Monthly Archives: March 2009

Spam Fritters

Now, because I haven’t yet worked out how to get a proper spam filter on this thing, I get sent a formidable number of invitations to browse nude pictures of celebrities; from the absurd (naked Madonna, anyone?) to the worrying (naked Emma Watson, the CHILD from Harry Potter?) to the downright unappealing (I can only [...]

The Worst Re-Brand of All Time

Talking of Ryvita, have you seen their new packaging? It’s absolutely bloody hilarious.
Some powerful creative mind has had the inspired idea to take any image of the actual product you are buying OFF the packaging. Brilliant!
So now, instead of looking at an, albeit enhanced, picture of Ryvita, you will be standing in the aisle looking [...]

Fern Britton, I Love You

I’m sure you’ve already heard by now, but Fern Britton has quit This Morning.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Fern and Phil were the single best thing about being ill/unemployed/a student. With their [...]

Mobile Execution Vans

Remember those icecream vans that use to ride past the school gates at 3.15, with Rizla and Racing Post stickers in the window that didn’t sell any icecream, but would hand over some absolutely filthy hash in exchange for your week’s allowance?
Well, in China they’ve gone one better. They’ve got ‘death vans’.

China executes [...]

Smokey Bacon Tea

John at work just asked me if I had been near a fire recently.
I thought these were just the usual ramblings of a semi-insane 60 year old caretaker. I mean, this is the man who bursts into loud renditions of ‘Come on Baby Light My Fire’ in the middle of a library and drinks ovaltine [...]

Sweating In My Pyjamas

(another quick fashion piece for Leeds Guide)

Sportswear and I are like gerbils and blenders. Fine separately; quite nice in fact. But bring us together and the fallout is so bad you’ll be scrubbing the walls for a week.

Actually, I don’t own any ‘sportswear’. I refuse to buy it. It all stems from a childhood [...]

Thank God I Haven't Had A Son Yet

Reading the news this morning I was struck with a terrible realisation.
If, say, a couple of years ago I had given birth to a boy, I may well have called him Joe. Full name Joseph.
Skip forward two years and I would be the mother of…
Joseph Frizzell
Joseph Frizzell?
Sounds like… Josef Fritzl?
A name that will forever be [...]

Hot Under The Collar and Chilly On The Knees

This is my latest little fashion piece for The Leeds Guide. Yes, I may have left over two years ago, but old habits die hard.

[this image is from facehunter.blogspot.com. Check out this marvellous style blog here]
The Spring has sprung, The grass is ris’I wonder where the birdie is?The bird is on the wing! How absurd,The [...]

A Slack Attack

Just a quick note to say I am sorry for the rather gaping pause in posts over the last couple of weeks.
I had all my fingers destroyed in a freak and terrifying farming incident and have only just regained use of the little fellows.
So, apologies over. Onwards and upwards, as Old Macdonald used to say.

The Great Escape – Walking Out of The Cinema

I wrote this for Little White Lies, but what the hey, you guys can get a sneaky preview:

In a fit of benevolent insanity I accompanied someone to watch Watchmen last night. And sweet lord of CGI blue phalluses, I wish I hadn’t. Even if you loved the comic book (which I can’t honestly say [...]