There was just one, undoubted, star of the Oscars red carpet this year: Mickey ‘hunk-o’-meat-all-wrapped-up-like-a-cowboy-porn-star’ Rourke.
Good golly miss molly, but I love the smell of botox, sweat, peroxide, whisky and elastane in the morning. And Mickey, god bless his buns, has them all in spades.
Now, old Mickey has come in for a bit [...]
With 30% of the Post Office sold off to private companies, it’s just another lovely day, doing the rounds for McPostman Pat (sponsored by Colgate) …
It was a bright and sunny morning in the village of Greendale, as McPostman Pat (sponsored by Colgate) drove his McPost Office Suzuki Van to the Lurpak Muller [...]
Every city has an area of ‘gentrification’. This is the process by which anything useful is run out of town with an organic, wholewheat pitchfork and replaced with toddler-friendly chuck-buckets full of crafts, cured European meats and badly but zealously designed pieces of furniture.
These areas usually have a few untouched institutions, just ripe for [...]
Illegal tan jabs – you know, the steroids of the pole dancing world – have been proven to cause vomiting, high blood pressure, facial flushing and the Plague. Oh okay, so I made that last one up. But injections of the tanning agent ‘Melanotan’ (which sounds to me like a new kind of tampon) [...]
So it’s cruel. So it’s crass. So the dogs involved are basically genetic mutants who can barely walk, bark and shit in the right order. But come on guys, Crufts is ace.
Who else but the Kennel Club could persuade a bunch of lonely no-marks from Dudley that teaching their dog to disco dance in a [...]
Job hunting, as anyone nosediving in to their first recession as an, ahem, ‘working’ adult will tell you, is the world’s most successful way to destroy your self esteem. Nothing, but nothing, can make you feel quite so hopeless as the total silence following three job applications in one week.
And can I just say now, [...]
As many of you will know by now, I am 100% tough guy. Pure, unadulterated toughness. The toughest, you could say.
And to prove my title, I decided to strip down, dive in, and take on hypothermia in the barely unfrozen waters of the River Esk in the Lake District last week. I’m sure I don’t [...]
I won’t be delighting, annoying, confusing or boring you this week with any posts, as I shall be trying to get snowed in in a small cottage in the Lake District.
Hopefully the blizzard will hit with such force that I have no other choice but to hole up with a couple of friendly herdwicks and [...]
Here in England, the weather is about as fundamental to the national character as our schools.
And we are insane about it.
I know, because I am currently writing this in an office that resembles the Marie Celeste. Apart from three of my foolhardy colleagues, the whole place is quieter than Anne Widdecombe’s bed springs, and all [...]
Well blow my nose and call me Attenborough, I have found my favourite new geological phemomenon; the snotite.
For those of you who haven’t had a formal introduction; Snotites are a rare cave formation that are formed from huge colonies of miscroscopic bacteria in the pitch black underground dankness of caves. So, why snotites? Because they [...]